We talked today a bit about the difference between “how others see you” and “how you see yourself”. I see the most beautiful woman in the world. I see an angel illuminating my life, bringing peace to my soul. I see you engulfing me with your love melting my heart, bringing me to tears with the most intense emotions I have ever felt.

My Mum had a stroke post-op the day I had to present to the Board. I went to the Board and then I went to her that same day. I had to go to the Board – she would have wanted me to do my job properly first – I know that. But as soon as I saw here I knew that although she was still breathing she was gone. It was my job to help my Dad and my brother and sister through everything – Dad’s bit went well, the rest less so. The day she died there was a visceral ache in me – ripping a hole through my middle.

I never thought that I would feel an ache like that again – not even when the time comes with my Dad, as close as I am to him. But you provoke an ache in me that is even stronger. That ache is the “I have to leave right now” ache, the “my heart is exploding” ache, the “where did she come from and I really really need her in my life” ache. That ache tells me how important you are to me. It burns through me searing your name on my soul – and if my Mum was still here (and knowing about all my current complexities) she would still tell me “listen to how you feel” – and so I do.

As painful as that ache is, I don’t ever want to lose it – because it is that ache that shows me how much you mean to me. It describes your beauty to me, it articulates my love for you. In everything you do and are, you delight me, and when we are together that ache fades and I am happy. But when we are apart the ache returns – and yet strangely I am still happy because the ache means “I love you” absolutely and unconditionally.

You are quite extraordinary and I am so very grateful that we are “us”.

I love you my darling beautiful one x.