Hello – sat here on my own in the dark – just the computer (so that I can write to you) and you (in my head, and in my heart).

Missing you – the words don’t do the feeling justice – my whole being aches for you, it yearns for you, it longs for you. The second I turned away from you this evening to walk away that visceral gnawing at my inner core returned. I just wanted to come back, to chase after you, to follow you, to hold you and to care for you – to tell you that I promise to look after you for as long as I am able.

You have not broken any of the rules – you have not done anything wrong – you have only behaved as though you are in love. I too have done the same. I don’t really think that the rules were ever going to work. As soon as we spent time together, my perception of you changed immeasurably. You have gone from being someone who I thought I loved to someone who, with me, is part of “us”. And “us” is the most magical experience of my life – which makes you the most beautiful soul I have ever known. I too have dared to dream, I too thought about the pregnancy question – and my thoughts and dreams are no different to yours.

But my life is complicated – and before I cause it to explode, I need to be give it some thought as to how to manage that. I love my children and I need to look after them in the midst of all of this – I can only be selfish to a point. But I also love you – and in a way that I never anticipated, nor at times can I control it. But that lack of anticipation on my part does not make it any less real nor any less sincere. You consume me – my heart, my head, my soul. Our week away showed me “you” – a beautiful, kind and tender woman who makes my heart soar, and calms the noise in my head in a way that I have never previously known. The peace that you bring to me is profound, and my love for you deepens daily.

So I am complicated – but please do not think that I don’t have the same dreams and thoughts as you do – for I dream too. I need you – I am needy, I am selfish – and I am not proud of being either. But that is what I am, for better or for worse – I cannot apologise for this. But the entity that I need is you – my heart will break if I try to walk away – I know that for sure. I have to tell you that I would do the right thing for you – I would understand if you tried to resolve things at home in a positive way and that I would walk away if that was what you wanted me to do – but I also have to tell you that I would have to leave work if that happened. As much as I have been through with every thing that we have collectively done, not being able to love you would simply be too much – an intolerable burden on my soul from which I could never recover.

Every ounce of me loves everything about you – I am overwhelmed and it is good – you have my heart beautiful one. I love you x.