Long message – just some thoughts – no decisions – calm…. Zen even…. (perhaps that is too much!)

I am on my own for a bit but having to go out later to be bag carrier. For now though I have a need to write to you and try and explain (imperfectly in words) what you mean to me.

Last year I fell in love you – I was a bit ashamed, embarrassed – it wasn’t what I should be doing. You have a delightful personality – fun, kind, gentle and tender – hidden away from most but something that you had shown to me for some time. I know that I didn’t always notice every time (I am sorry) but I noticed enough to feel real affection for you, which over time became a very real love – but something that I tried to suppress.

Then there was that dress – you looked astonishingly beautiful – and everything that followed – and then and now “us”. And my life will never be the same….. you have transformed it forever – for the better.

I think of you constantly, first thing in the morning, last thing at night – and every moment in between. At night I drift in and out of sleep / consciousness and sometimes I struggle to know whether I am awake or not – but all the time you are there. I hear your voice in my head, I talk to you – in the car, when walking, when sleeping – I see your smile too. My heart yearns for you – the visceral ache, my ‘weekend’ pain is really so much more – it is there whenever you aren’t.

I have experienced a whole new world of intimacy and love with you – feelings and emotions that I have never known before, never imagined – a closeness that is breathtaking, addictive, heavenly. You talk about “skills” – I don’t think that I have any specifically – I simply love you. And the expression of that love is manifest then in the way that I touch and kiss you – it is, to me, the most natural and loving thing for the two of us to share. Your absolute beauty just constantly draws me to you. But then of course, is what you do to me – without parallel in any part of my life before – those pink squares…. and you fixed me too.

Emotionally and physically, I could want for nothing more other than simply to be with you without others in the way. I am driven by a feeling of all-consuming love arising in my core flowing throughout me – and all for you. It consumes me – wave after wave of uncontrolled and intense affection, desire, love, a constant drive and need to care and protect, to keep you safe, a wish to absorb and take from you any anguish that you have and so much more. I have to though confess a darker side too – the jealousy that I feel at times and the frustration and pain at having to give you back – I am sorry. Plus I miss you – I hate parting, I have a constant need to know that you are ok. Not to control you, just to know that you are ok. And then I feel profound sadness and in part some anger (again, sorry) that you are ignored / mis-treated. It breaks my heart to think of that – you are worth so much more in every possible way.

Loving you is intense, it is overwhelming, it is magical, amazing, extraordinary, it is more than I ever imagined, it is all I can think of and it is most definitely everything that I want. I want to be the one that you come to for support, for tenderness, for intimacy – without recrimination and without oversight. I want to be there for you whenever you need me without hindrance. I want to be yours properly – no giving back.

I made a choice this week – a good one – I cannot lie with anyone but you any more. Much here needs sorting out, untangling, being honest and fair and recognising that none of it will be easy. But it needs to be done – I need to find that path with time. I look forward to time with you, however short or long. I am counting down days until we are next away, like a child waiting for Christmas. I can and will be patient – but life is too short, and it is impossible for me to imagine that either of us could sustain this forever. So I need a path – we need a path – “us” needs a path. And this week’s choice is the first step. I will never promise you something until I am sure that I can deliver it for you. As the path becomes more clear to me I will describe it to you though.

You are the love of my life – how you might imagine that I will forget “us” while you are away, I don’t really know. I will worry while you are away – are you safe, are you ok, are you happy, are you being treated properly and so much more? I will email you, I will read your emails (new ones, old ones), I will listen to your songs – anything and everything that somehow draws me closer to you in whatever way. I will write, I will text, I will dream – you are everything. And I will be here waiting for you that monday morning like always.

My darling, in every way and in everything that you do, to me you are definitely perfect – I am immeasurably enriched by you – for as long as you want me, I am yours. I cannot imagine a world without you now – I do not want to, and will not, walk away. Tender loving incredibly beautiful moments like yesterday simply reinforce these thoughts and feelings with me – truly amazing. Instead I want to love you every day, in every way, completely, totally, emotionally, physically and without any interference. I want to love you in the sunshine, not hidden in the night – and I need to find a way to the sunny side of the street. I love you with everything that is the essence of me – you are eternally my beautiful one.

I love you x.