On the way home – I cried, then I stopped, then I cried more. I saw my Dad – he thinks I am sick, I came home – not sure why – would have been better off sleeping in my office I think. Ironic really – the woman I love thinks that I don’t feel anything because I clam up. The woman I don’t love says “pull yourself together and pay attention – don’t bring your work stresses here”.

At the bottom of everything, all I feel is love for you – nothing else. I have to find a way here that allows “us” to grow – it is all I can think of – only that way that you and I can know what “us” truly is and what future it has.

I belong to you – I love you – you overwhelm me and I have become addicted to the fact that you calm the noise in my head. Selfish, I know, but I don’t want to give that up – and in the whole world, the only person who has achieved that so far is you – so I guess that means that I am addicted to you.

more still to come x

Today has been a terrible day – the worst for you and I. “Us” was still growing, developing – recovering from the catastrophe that I created last week but still going forward. “Us” still needed time to flourish, to be what I believe it can be. You are amazing, beautiful, extraordinary and so much more. And now “us” is at risk in the gravest possible way.

I know let you down this afternoon – I am sorry and sorry and sorry and sorry so many times….. You did not see what you wanted, what you had hoped for. I heard you say “I think I should go now” and my heart broke – in an instant, nothing left. And what I have learnt about myself over the years is that when challenged I clam up, I retreat into me because it is the only thing that I know how to do. I have done this for year – when my first engagement broke up, when my marriage broke up, when I was raped etc – the only safety was my own solitude. Yet at the same time there was you, beautiful you, fragile you – distressed, heartbroken, anguishing – and I have to look after you. So I could have collapsed into a mire of emotion but how then could I have cared for you? Perhaps in retrospect the mire of emotion would have been better.

Imperfect I may be, but not unfeeling. My heart was breaking just as was yours.

more to come x.

writing more but a bit longer so will post it in a while…..

If you can see this – please know that my heart is bursting – I am in love with you – I am in trouble here for being completely distracted…. but that is true, I am. I am beside myself with the thought of losing you.

You are not the only one who has found the love of their life – I have too and it is you.

I love you my beautiful one x.

Our time together recently has been fraught with pain – but for me that just reinforces the value of “us”. I don’t know where the answer lies just yet but for me “us” is worth fighting for. I understand that you did not see in me what you had perhaps hoped for and in some ways that is even more painful for me to hear. But that love is there for you and I need to find a way forward for “us”.

I love you my darling beautiful one x.

Hello – thinking about you lots – really need to see you today after last night and the difficulties that you had.

I love you my beautiful one x.

Hello beautiful one – I am looking forward to seeing you later – I will come and find you and call you and send you messages. I am keen to plan another trip too as per your suggestion – but we can chat later.

I missed you lots last night – it is really hard to be away from you.

I love you x.

Haven’t been to sleep yet – just sat here thinking of you constantly – I so wish I was falling asleep with you. I love you x.