Hi, drank lots of diet coke, legitimately in the toilet…. don’t want to be out, don’t want to talk – just want to get up and walk out but can’t. If I can’t be with you then I just want to be on my own, sat in the dark with thoughts of you in my head and my heart. Closing my eyes, thinking of you – I could wish for no more when apart.

I love you x.

Going out soon – will be messaging from the toilet (I hope!) – have been wondering how you are, what you have been doing, what you are thinking.

I think about the times we have had together and our memories – mostly fantastic, not so good yesterday – but all still “us” and all part of that journey that we set out on. I think of how spending time with you is in itself almost timeless – my desire and need to work falls away in the face of the peace and contentment that being with you brings – and that makes you a unique extraordinary woman, a very special woman indeed.

I am now entirely dependent on you – you are exquisite, definitely perfect and I just long for you.

I love you so very much x.

Hello beautiful one – I first started sending messages to you on 18 Dec last year – this message now is the 600th message that I have sent.

That first message was provoked by the anguish that I felt by not being able to speak with you on the weekends. Pent up, burning a whole in my middle, an anguish that had to be heard. That anguish still exists when we are apart and sometimes it is even so much worse than before. As you said, the more you have the more you want. But the messages are my very best friends when we are apart because they are how I release that anguish and they are how I show you, in part, what I feel for you and how much you mean to me.

Words are often a poor substitute for an emotion, however artful they might be – and mine are not – and certainly not when compared with yours. But they do come from my heart, from the inner part of me that longs for you. They do describe feelings, thoughts, happiness, sadness and much more with an openness that I have never shared with anyone before. You know far more about the real me than anyone else.

And now my thoughts, my dreams, my words and these messages are for you – just you, only you – no one else. They are for the you that fills my heart, the you that challenges the order in my head, the you that has no “box” because no “box” could or should constrain such a wonderful spirit, the you whose smile engulfs my soul and melts my heart and whose gentle kiss is the most tender and loving feeling I have ever known.

Whatever “us” is or is not – you are by far the better part and I am immeasurably the better for ever being loved by you. Nurturing and enabling “us” so that I can love you as I want, being driven by the very intense feelings that I have for you, is the path that I want to follow – I belong to you, you are amazing, “us” is what I dream of.

Thank you for wanting me and my darling beautiful one for the 600th time in these messages – I love you x.

Going out to do a few things – need to plant some trees. Difficult thing though – the exact location has not been described so my guess is that I will pick the wrong place….

I think that you are an extraordinary soul – time with you is so very very magical and I love you so very much beautiful one x.

Thank you for my messages – I need you to understand that this was not your fault – it was mine. But yesterday was not a good day for either of us – for different reasons – and for me there was a profound sadness and disappointment to deal with.

Today is different – I am better but still sad – but this time because I cannot see you. So “usual” weekend sadness – that is not to say that it does not hurt but at least I know it passes. Yesterday’s sadness was laced with a deep rooted fear that you would send me away. But you haven’t and I am so very grateful indeed.

“Us” is amazing, you are amazing – I love you my beautiful one x.

I miss you so – I so want to hear your voice simply so that I can tell you that I love you x.

I really want you to know that I am ok today – much better – and so very happy that we are “us”.

You are everything – the lyrical lilt of your voice brings life to me, your smile radiates love filling my life with happiness and peace.

I love you beautiful one x.

I miss you – I am sat here alone with loads of work (so chipping away…..) – but I just miss you so very much. So I am fed up to the extreme and have done very little because I am just sitting here with my eyes closed, thinking of you and that beautiful smile of yours.

I don’t want to stress you out – I am genuinely ok today. But yesterday I cried pretty much all the way home last night – couldn’t go to bed when I got home as I was so upset so sat outside in the dark for a bit just to get some air. I feel asleep in the end sat on the step outside the door and woke up about 1am. Came in (it was very cold) and then went to sleep accompanied by terrible dreams about you sending me away. I was so very scared.

Today – I am better – been for a walk and had a bit to eat. And I can’t thank you enough for your messages today. For me though, all there is is you.

I need you – you delight me, you enrich my life in so many ways that I can’t describe to you at all well. I am counting down minutes, hours etc until monday being eating away from the inside by that ache. Yet even though I am sad, when I close my eyes I remember the most beautiful woman I have ever known, the most kind and tender and soul, and someone who loves me so very much, engulfing me with wave after wave of all-encompassing love. And then from within me I feel overwhelming and intense love for you, deep joy and contentment, as well as that peace that you bring me, in my head and in my soul. And underpinning all of that is the the most profound need for you, deep in my heart driven by the love I feel and fuelling my dependence on you. The time we have shared whether here or abroad, when it is just us, alone, simply being “us” has been heavenly and amazing.

So I am better today – but everything that happened just reinforces to me my need for you – the thought of losing you made me absolutely insane – truly. For me, in every way you are everything – the most special and extraordinary person. You mesmerise me and I belong to you.

I love you my darling beautiful one x.