I know that you have gone for tonight but I will write more anyway.

know that you feel vulnerable at times and I understand why – if I could take that away from you I would – instantly so. I wish I could think of a way to give you more confidence in me.

I too feel vulnerable – I feel very lonely at times. I keep being told by her in effect “give up your own self – fit in and be what I want you to be and life with the children and for us will be ‘perfect'” – and countered against that is an inner part of me that is saying “I don’t want to be squashed any more – let me out”. But so much of the time I just end up feeling as if I am being very selfish. And what consequence will my selfishness have for the children?

And then there is you – I could sit and write all sorts of superlatives about you – about how beautiful you are and how kind you are and so on. Perhaps I should – it would take me a long time to finish. But at the end of the day it all comes down to trust.

I have to trust how I feel about you – the fact that I am drawn to you and driven to do anything and everything for you. Those feelings arise from deep within me and are interwoven with my very existence. So no acknowledgeme nt of those feelings means a denial of my very being.

And separate to that I am asking you to trust me as we start to plan first waking towards the sunshine and then walking side by side together in it for the rest of our lives. After all I am being unfaithful to my wife – why would you trust me going forwards? Why won’t I just be unfaithful to you? And to that all I can say is that “us” was not entered into lightly, it is not a dalliance. I cannot bear to have her touch me – even the lightest touch feels like a betrayal of you. Fidelity in my head is simply an aspect of love – if there is love then fidelity, loyalty etc – they are implicit. I do know how to be faithful and loyal because I am so now, to you – just another aspect of the all-consuming love that I feel for you right now.

The bottom line is that, yes, I am being pulled in many directions which is why my life is complicated. But I cannot be anything to anyone including my children or you, until I am true to myself. I will stand up for me and after that I will show the people in my life who I care about the most what that means.

For you – you are the love of my life – simply everything. Back to simple is best – I love you, I want you. You make my heart soar like I have never ever known – and that makes you unique and very special indeed. So I am not giving you up and there is nothing that anyone could say that would change that. Because my love for you and who I really am inside are one and the same thing and to deny one is to deny the other.

With time your confidence in me will grow I promise but right now – I love you my beautiful one x. Just you, only you, always you. X