Today has been a terrible day – the worst for you and I. “Us” was still growing, developing – recovering from the catastrophe that I created last week but still going forward. “Us” still needed time to flourish, to be what I believe it can be. You are amazing, beautiful, extraordinary and so much more. And now “us” is at risk in the gravest possible way.

I know let you down this afternoon – I am sorry and sorry and sorry and sorry so many times….. You did not see what you wanted, what you had hoped for. I heard you say “I think I should go now” and my heart broke – in an instant, nothing left. And what I have learnt about myself over the years is that when challenged I clam up, I retreat into me because it is the only thing that I know how to do. I have done this for year – when my first engagement broke up, when my marriage broke up, when I was raped etc – the only safety was my own solitude. Yet at the same time there was you, beautiful you, fragile you – distressed, heartbroken, anguishing – and I have to look after you. So I could have collapsed into a mire of emotion but how then could I have cared for you? Perhaps in retrospect the mire of emotion would have been better.

Imperfect I may be, but not unfeeling. My heart was breaking just as was yours.

more to come x.