I have seen your email – you make me cry… I am not sure I know what to say. I am out walking listening to your songs with tears running down my face. No one has ever treated me like you do.

My heart yearns for you. You enchant me – how you could ever imagine that I could / would forget you while you are away astounds me.

You cannot know how much pain there is in me because of the catastrophic mistakes that I have made with you. I am so grateful for your forgiveness but I still worry about the learned Asperger behaviour. It is hard to overturn almost 30 years of life – but I am trying. In part these messages are part of the process – I have never written to anyone ever but with you I can’t stop. Part of my life was very brutal – part of my training was pretty brutal too in so many ways – hours worked, inappropriate responsibility, people dying in front of me and I couldn’t stop it – but I am the sum of my parts now and I can’t pretend otherwise. Everyone has challenges in life – I am not sure that mine have been any worse than anyone else’s – just different. My way of protecting me works to a point but it is perhaps somewhat self destructive at times – I cannot bear to think that it is my own behaviour which hides how I feel from you, I cannot contain the pain that that thought brings to me. Whatever “us” is, however it grows (and I want that more than anything) I need to show you what you mean to me – if something ever happened to me, I need to know that you feel loved and wanted by me – desired, adored, enchanted, mesmerised, captivated and so much more.

And so knowing all my failings, all my weaknesses, when I read your email all I can do is sob. I can’t imagine why someone as exquisite as you would want me but I do believe you and I am simply overwhelmed by your love.

I am yours whether together or apart like today – I am yours – I love you my darling beautiful one x.