Not been out yet (started typing this at 6.35) – too early even for me.

Just thinking of you and how you make me feel – how your love just flows over me and surrounds me; how my heart soars when I hear your voice or see you; how magical your smile is, the warmth of the person that I see when I look into your eyes; the closeness I feel when I hear your gentle gasp; and what you make me feel when you touch me. All of these and so much more just dissolve me completely and I am yours.

So much time spent with you is peaceful and contentment – but then I struggle with how I come across and that frustrates me – and I am so very sorry. And then like now when you are not here I feel an ache in my soul like part of me has been ripped away. I know that the hours will pass and I will see you again and I so look forward to that but in the meantime I try to find anything at all that makes me feel closer to you. I talk to you, I whisper your name, I look at your picture, your emails and then I read what you wrote at New Year and I am in tears.

I think that I have perhaps become a very needy person – I know that suddenly I feel very selfish. Yet I do not want to, cannot and will not let you go for you are the most mesmerising soul. We agreed that there could and should be an “us” – I was so very scared that day we spoke that you did not want that – but now that I have that I will do whatever I can to nuture “us” and allow “us” to flourish.

I promise to bring my neediness under control and to care for you better than I have been doing in the last few days – to show you properly how I feel and to not keep pushing you away (however inadvertently). I see the look in your face when I have messed up and I see your pain and it hurts me – I should not be the cause of pain for you.

Most of all, I will be careful with your heart – you are precious and delicate which is a truly rare and wonderful thing – and everything else seems so insignificant when compared with you. I want to care for, look after and love you to the very best of my ability – that is what brings me joy.

I love you beautiful one.