Today has been a terrible day – the worst for you and I. “Us” was still growing, developing – recovering from the catastrophe that I created last week but still going forward. “Us” still needed time to flourish, to be what I believe it can be. You are amazing, beautiful, extraordinary and so much more. And now “us” is at risk in the gravest possible way.

I know let you down this afternoon – I am sorry and sorry and sorry and sorry so many times….. You did not see what you wanted, what you had hoped for. I heard you say “I think I should go now” and my heart broke – in an instant, nothing left. And what I have learnt about myself over the years is that when challenged I clam up, I retreat into me because it is the only thing that I know how to do. I have done this for year – when my first engagement broke up, when my marriage broke up, when I was raped etc – the only safety was my own solitude. Yet at the same time there was you, beautiful you, fragile you – distressed, heartbroken, anguishing – and I have to look after you. So I could have collapsed into a mire of emotion but how then could I have cared for you? Perhaps in retrospect the mire of emotion would have been better.

Imperfect I may be, but not unfeeling. My heart was breaking just as was yours.

more to come x.

writing more but a bit longer so will post it in a while…..

If you can see this – please know that my heart is bursting – I am in love with you – I am in trouble here for being completely distracted…. but that is true, I am. I am beside myself with the thought of losing you.

You are not the only one who has found the love of their life – I have too and it is you.

I love you my beautiful one x.

Our time together recently has been fraught with pain – but for me that just reinforces the value of “us”. I don’t know where the answer lies just yet but for me “us” is worth fighting for. I understand that you did not see in me what you had perhaps hoped for and in some ways that is even more painful for me to hear. But that love is there for you and I need to find a way forward for “us”.

I love you my darling beautiful one x.

Hello – thinking about you lots – really need to see you today after last night and the difficulties that you had.

I love you my beautiful one x.

Hello beautiful one – I am looking forward to seeing you later – I will come and find you and call you and send you messages. I am keen to plan another trip too as per your suggestion – but we can chat later.

I missed you lots last night – it is really hard to be away from you.

I love you x.

Haven’t been to sleep yet – just sat here thinking of you constantly – I so wish I was falling asleep with you. I love you x.

My head is calm – all quiet – all there is you. I love you x.