Hi lovely one, I hope that you are ok. I miss you – been for another walk, listened to a radio podcast about the Battle of Thermopylae and the Spartans. Then a bit on the theory of infinity. Always makes me think these things – the variety in mankind is quite extraordinary. My head is full of stuff – too much stuff really – things I should be trying to do to make me better than I am now. Yet I rarely get there – and that can be painful at times. That’s partly why I don’t sleep, I have a constant need to do more, and that’s where my feeling of being fundamentally lazy starts – I should be more than I am.

But… that’s where you come along – because you soothe that pain and show me a very very different path – a path that is illuminated by the radiance of your smile and the tenderness of your love. You make me stop and think about something real for a change i.e. you – you may not even realise that you do – but I look at you and I am just breathless, completely dumbfounded by your beauty and totally captivated. You just dissolve me into a pool of love and affection and all I want to do is to look after you – everything else somehow becomes irrelevant. And that’s why I feel the peace that you bring – you calm all of the noise – and I feel so much better because of it.

For me, you are the best thing ever – I don’t want to sound selfish, but it is very hard to pretend anything other than you are the most magical person and I am nothing but enriched by your presence in my life. And I do not want to let go – and that’s the other reason why I don’t sleep! (which is truly just fine with me, beautiful one)

I love you.

(PS just realised that this is my 100th post – just goes to show how motivated you can be once you have a new hobby – remember that is your job to explain this to the others…!)

Back home – finished jobs. Wish I was with you even if only for 5 minutes so I could see your smile, hear your voice and hug you. Thinking lots and deeply about how you make me feel – all good things – a bit emotional at times but only because you mean so much. And that is a very good thing.

In my head it is (in part) a good thing that I ache so much when away from you because that tells me that it is a real thing. The need to write to you is almost compulsive but it is the release (however imperfect) for the tsunami of deep affection and love I have for you. And that tells me that this is a real thing too – and there are many other examples of the same too – but all reinforcing that “us” is a very very special thing to me.

And all because of how lovely you are.

I love you.

Out and about running errands – 5 mins for me to stop and think about you – so I thought I would write.

I am so very happy that you want to spend time with me. I can think of nothing better and whilst I will always want more even 5 minutes here and there is heavenly. Having you in my life is a wonderful thing – disrupting but peaceful, calming and soothing but also exciting, and unpredictable yet most definitely delightful and fun. You make me smile and your kindness flows over me and I am just overwhelmed with love for you.

I miss you so – but I am going with the “good things come to those who wait” strategy – our time will come and I look forward to it with all my heart.

I love you beautiful one.

Another walk – more talking to myself – more maths in my head thinking of tracing patterns….

Thinking of how we need to make sure that others get to see how good you are at your job – you hide away in the shadows.

For me, you make me smile, you make me dream again. I like sending messages like yesterday morning in the meeting – I think that I will do more of that from now on. You are so very beautiful and it is really enjoyable just sitting there, I like looking at you thinking how much I love you. It does make it harder to concentrate on the meeting but that’s ok as long as I don’t mix up the meeting with the messages.

I need to thank you for always making time to see me. If it helps I can come to you sometimes – I know it is not quite the same but time just spent talking in your place is still a lovely thing and perhaps I can see you then without risking you getting into trouble. Have a think about it and let me know.

I love you.

Done some maths – fed up though because it would not work, then I figured it out – the book was wrong. So I threw the book away and finished what I needed to do. Personally I blame it all on you – because if I was with you (and that would be so so so so much better), I would not be doing this nonsense in the first place! So still fed up because I can’t see you.

I miss you lovely one – don’t really know how else to say it. I can distract myself all I want but it doesn’t last and just makes me more and more fed up. I hope that you are ok too – it is really hard when I can’t know for sure.

I need you to think about the places we should go when away – I know that you have some in mind and I am happy with anything so we can do whatever suits you best. And if you need to do some shopping then I will come along too – if that is ok. I am good at carrying bags (and even paying bills!) – lots of practice….

If you have some time tomorrow to talk then do let me know – it would be really very nice indeed to hear the gentleness in your voice.

Thank you for being you, and for wanting me – I love you.

Hope you are well this morning lovely one – I miss you terribly. Misty morning here, nice walk, talking to you telling you how much I love you. Counting down days until our trip – looking forward to the time together.

I am very lucky to have you – I do recognise that – just thinking about you calms my thoughts, you are very good for me. I really need you to bear with me whilst I get better at understanding and learning about you (and about how I come across to you) so that I can be the very best person for you – I will get there (eventually!).

I love you.

PS Just realised that is now 7am, so actually it is time for a walk – I will be talking to you, lovely one, so please remember how much I care.

I love you

Not been out yet (started typing this at 6.35) – too early even for me.

Just thinking of you and how you make me feel – how your love just flows over me and surrounds me; how my heart soars when I hear your voice or see you; how magical your smile is, the warmth of the person that I see when I look into your eyes; the closeness I feel when I hear your gentle gasp; and what you make me feel when you touch me. All of these and so much more just dissolve me completely and I am yours.

So much time spent with you is peaceful and contentment – but then I struggle with how I come across and that frustrates me – and I am so very sorry. And then like now when you are not here I feel an ache in my soul like part of me has been ripped away. I know that the hours will pass and I will see you again and I so look forward to that but in the meantime I try to find anything at all that makes me feel closer to you. I talk to you, I whisper your name, I look at your picture, your emails and then I read what you wrote at New Year and I am in tears.

I think that I have perhaps become a very needy person – I know that suddenly I feel very selfish. Yet I do not want to, cannot and will not let you go for you are the most mesmerising soul. We agreed that there could and should be an “us” – I was so very scared that day we spoke that you did not want that – but now that I have that I will do whatever I can to nuture “us” and allow “us” to flourish.

I promise to bring my neediness under control and to care for you better than I have been doing in the last few days – to show you properly how I feel and to not keep pushing you away (however inadvertently). I see the look in your face when I have messed up and I see your pain and it hurts me – I should not be the cause of pain for you.

Most of all, I will be careful with your heart – you are precious and delicate which is a truly rare and wonderful thing – and everything else seems so insignificant when compared with you. I want to care for, look after and love you to the very best of my ability – that is what brings me joy.

I love you beautiful one.