Good morning – so very excited – I will see you today – the love of my life in my arms – what more could I wish for? I love you x.

Hello – more dreams about you, lying in my arms, we need to make this real, and time after time – you are exquisite – I love you x.

Night after night I sit here thinking of you – always loving, in part worrying, in part caring, in part desiring, in part longing. Constantly wondering how you are – if you are ok, are you safe? are you sad? are you being ignored? Thinking about how I can help you – do you feel loved? wanted? adored? And then just wanting to fall asleep with you in my arms.

I look at you and see an amazing woman – a truly beautiful woman – someone who takes my breath away. And my life is then enriched. My life without you would be bereft and lonely, it would be sad and quiet, it would be lacking in love and tenderness. So please please please carry on wanting me because I want you more than I can describe in words.

I love you my beautiful one x.

Sat outside by the playhouse watching the owls and the pheasants – watching the world – I don’t think that I do this enough probably. Thinking about you – the one inside my head, roaming around, quelling the noise – all pervasive, entwined in my innermost being. The one who cannot and should not be constrained by any of my boxes – and who slowly but surely is breaking down my wall and releasing the me hidden away for 20+ years.

A few days ago in the night I dreamt of my attack – the first time for a long time – usually when I think about it (in the daytime – not often) it is a bit like film footage – as if I am watching it happen to someone else. But this time it was different – I remember how scared I was that day as they held me down, how I just begged them to let me go. I woke up feeling petrified just wanting to get away, I was sweating, I was agitated. And yet as soon as I woke, instantly in my head there you were with your beautiful smile. And I knew straight away that you would hold me close to you, that you would rest your head on me, that you would care for me. And somehow, the anguish and the fear just dissolved – all of it, immediately – within a minute or so I was fine, thinking about what happened still but without the anxiety or the fear.

You took it all away – you made it right.

I don’t have those dreams often – I don’t know what triggers them – but never before has something or someone settled my thoughts in the way that the thought of you did this time. So you see, you are simply unique, even miraculous in what your love does for me.

You are my beautiful one, my darling – a truly unique and extraordinary woman x.

This is a special message for a very special person – this is the 1,000th message I have sent you here. So I have gone back to the very first one (December 18 2016) to see what I said then:

My heart is overwhelmed by you; you consume my every thought and disrupt me so profoundly yet quieten the noise in my head like never before – I feel such peace with you. When I am with you the world just stops, yet of course time marches on and when, all too soon, we have to part I feel torn apart, broken and bereft. The sound of your voice on the phone, the sound of your footsteps on the stairs – these and more cascade waves of happiness through me. Your smile simply dissolves me.

I need you to be my ‘friend’ – I need you to feel wanted, cared for and adored. I need you to know that I am completely captivated by you.

I love you beautiful one.

Tomorrow I will see you for the first time after 11 days apart and I have missed you in a way that I had never anticipated – the day you left my heart was torn apart. That same heart is now more overwhelmed by you than ever before, in everything you do you bring me untold happiness and your smile continues to dissolve me. But we have shared so much more since then – emotions and experiences that have absolutely transformed my life and an intimate closeness, the words to adequately describe which are simply not known to me.

You are the most extraordinary soul – beautiful, kind, enticing, desirable – the epitome of delicate feminine sexuality with the most tender and loving heart.

Imperfect as I am, I love you with everything that is me – you are eternally my beautiful one x.

Should be working – daydreaming instead about you – much much much nicer in every possible way. Missing you loads still – although it is genuinely good to know that you are back home. So few hours left until tomorrow but still you are out of reach my darling – I love you beautiful one x.

Hope you are ok – I am pleased that you have sorted your room without lots of fuss – I know that is what you wanted to do.

I don’t mean to be cryptic – and I certainly don’t want to distance myself from you or your decisions. Sometimes I find the discussions a little difficult. These sorts of decisions are very personal ones between you and someone one else – in exactly the same way as the ones I make are between me and another. I find it hard to know where the boundary lays in the conversation sometime – I don’t want to overstep the line and say something out of turn that might appear rude, indignant, or ill-judged because of a lack of understanding and I certainly don’t want to hurt you in the process. Plus of course try as I might I cannot be entirely neutral in some of the conversations as I have an emotional investment in them already.

It hurts me deeply to hear of you being ignored, to hear of how you are treated re: your telephone, to hear what you say about control over money etc. So notwithstanding all of what I have said above, I find the way in which you are treated really hard to understand or accept. But I suspect that you would say the same to me – and in part we have both been complicit in one way or another with our own current circumstances. I could (perhaps should) have done something more about my sleeping circumstances some time ago – but after a while it is simply easier to acquiesce….

In the same way that you do not want me to leave my new room I do want you to leave yours – but I know that you felt some discomfort in saying that to me. I don’t want you to hide feelings like that from me so please do say – I suspect that I need to do the same to you – to tell you what I feel. But sometimes it is hard – you said you felt horrid, (you weren’t being so), I feel jealousy. And then what I worry about is, can I enter into a helpful and supportive conversation with you if underneath it I am feeling jealous and therefore not impartial – I suspect not….

So it is not that I want to distance myself but rather I want you to make the right decisions for you. And if you do that, then whatever they may be, in turn I have absolute confidence that those will be the right decisions for “us” and for me. But that is not quite the same as you making a decision because you have been unduly influenced (even subliminally) by concern for me, or by some input from me which is not entirely as neutral as it should be.

I have chosen to sleep alone, I have chosen not to be pressurised into having sex – and I am content that this is so. For sleeping alone, in part this is because of you and what you mean to me – the need to keep you safe in my heart and to have regard for your heart too – but this was in the main a decision a long time coming for all sorts of reasons. For the conversation re having sex – again this change should have happened years ago – but this is different in that here your influence is paramount – for me there is you, so there can be no one else. So different thoughts / strategies / analyses for different circumstances – much should have happened before, some driven by “us”. And whilst I have tried to explain much to you about my choices, you have found some of it hard and distressing to hear and yet have not always felt 100% free to disclose that distress until it almost had to become too much for you to bear.

I want to help you – I want to talk – I don’t want to hurt you – I want the decisions to be good ones.

And most of all I want you my beautiful one – I love you x.

Off to do some more work but always thinking of you – I adore you – you are the love of my life and I am so very pleased that you have come back home my beautiful one x