Too much to drink – genuinely too much this time – on my own, but that is fine – in fact better – because I just want you. Can’t be doing with anything else – fed up with people interfering. “Us” is amazing – and I am not letting go – not yet at least – and in fact I hope not ever. But I need time to sort.

I love you so very much x.

We are being manipulated – and I don’t like that – I won’t have that. I have not told you everything that was said to me today – but there is, I think, an unhealthy approach, an unhealthy focus on you. I don’t understand why nor what can be gained by this but this person has a long-standing issue with you. And somehow this has to be managed because at the moment I am completely ticked off (to put it politely). And whilst I rarely get really cross this is one of those rare occasions.

I don’t really care about me – I can always repair myself through my “clam up in solitude” approach – but that does not work for you or for “us”. So one way or another this has to be sorted – and I am not giving you up without a fight.

I love you so very much x.

You are a beautiful woman, to me the absolute epitome of femininity. I am truly awestruck and enthralled by you – and I can’t ignore those feelings. I need you and there is no hiding from that – so we need to talk, I need you to be safe – and thereafter “us” needs to grow even though it is complicated. But complicated is just complicated; complicated is not dead, not impossible, it is just complicated.

I love you my darling beautiful one x.

I do not want to give in – I don’t want to give up – I want you. You are the most exquisite soul and I need you. I need to figure out a way forward but as they say “life is crap and then you die” – except that in this case I don’t want to believe that. Instead I want to believe that there is a way forward and that you and I need to find it and plan our walk along that path.

I love you, I adore you – you enrich me, I have shared everything with you – no secrets, no lies, no anything, just absolute and unconditional love my beautiful one x.

On the way home – I cried, then I stopped, then I cried more. I saw my Dad – he thinks I am sick, I came home – not sure why – would have been better off sleeping in my office I think. Ironic really – the woman I love thinks that I don’t feel anything because I clam up. The woman I don’t love says “pull yourself together and pay attention – don’t bring your work stresses here”.

At the bottom of everything, all I feel is love for you – nothing else. I have to find a way here that allows “us” to grow – it is all I can think of – only that way that you and I can know what “us” truly is and what future it has.

I belong to you – I love you – you overwhelm me and I have become addicted to the fact that you calm the noise in my head. Selfish, I know, but I don’t want to give that up – and in the whole world, the only person who has achieved that so far is you – so I guess that means that I am addicted to you.

more still to come x

Today has been a terrible day – the worst for you and I. “Us” was still growing, developing – recovering from the catastrophe that I created last week but still going forward. “Us” still needed time to flourish, to be what I believe it can be. You are amazing, beautiful, extraordinary and so much more. And now “us” is at risk in the gravest possible way.

I know let you down this afternoon – I am sorry and sorry and sorry and sorry so many times….. You did not see what you wanted, what you had hoped for. I heard you say “I think I should go now” and my heart broke – in an instant, nothing left. And what I have learnt about myself over the years is that when challenged I clam up, I retreat into me because it is the only thing that I know how to do. I have done this for year – when my first engagement broke up, when my marriage broke up, when I was raped etc – the only safety was my own solitude. Yet at the same time there was you, beautiful you, fragile you – distressed, heartbroken, anguishing – and I have to look after you. So I could have collapsed into a mire of emotion but how then could I have cared for you? Perhaps in retrospect the mire of emotion would have been better.

Imperfect I may be, but not unfeeling. My heart was breaking just as was yours.

more to come x.

writing more but a bit longer so will post it in a while…..

If you can see this – please know that my heart is bursting – I am in love with you – I am in trouble here for being completely distracted…. but that is true, I am. I am beside myself with the thought of losing you.

You are not the only one who has found the love of their life – I have too and it is you.

I love you my beautiful one x.