Last week was going away week, this week is coming back week – my heart feels a little lighter. Sweet dreams my beautiful one – I love you x

Finished washing up, been to see Dad. Sitting down now to read a bit – outside for a bit longer but getting a bit windy so not sure how warm it is for much longer. I miss you very acutely this evening.

Have I upset you this evening – your messages are a bit cryptic…..? I suspect it is just that you are in a bit of a rush but not sure.

I hope that you are ok, please take care my darling – I love you x.

In the sunshine, drinking Pimms, a little worried about you but hopefully you are ok now that you have had some water and tea(?). It was so very good to speak with you again – three days in a row – more than I could have imagined – but now as always I will be sad that for the next few days I wont have any time with you (except by messages which are very lovely) until perhaps Saturday. But Saturday will be lovely – to see that radiant smile of yours will be just magical.

I know that you are sad and I know that you worry about things here – I know that you feel vulnerable – I understand. Please do tell me if there is anything more that I can do to reassure you – to make you feel safer, more secure. Much will perhaps not be achieved / apparent until there is a material change in both our circumstances but in the meantime I do want to try and reassure you, to give you confidence, to show you that you are loved and wanted and that my feelings for you are real and long-term and that you are secure and safe in my heart.

Days will pass until we see each other again – they will have good moments and bad moments for both of us. Each of us will seek some solace in thinking about the other – and for me that is part of what love is. The warmth of your love reaches across the sea so that even though you are so far away I feel safe and cared for every minute of every day. I hope that my feelings, emotions and love for you protect you and support you too my darling. You are so definitely perfect and I love you my beautiful one x.

Sat in the garden thinking of you – hot here and very sunny. Wishing we were together away from others, in the sunshine, sat holding hands and just being, sharing and loving each other. I can’t think of anything better my beautiful one. I so need time with you. I am looking forward to Saturday and then we will have two days and two days in the next few weeks….. I love you x.

Hello my darling – missing you loads. Please don’t worry too much about me – I am doing ok. Things are ok here – she has said sorry for yesterday but it will happen again I’m sure. I am just trying to find a path that doesn’t upset everyone here too much.

You are safe in my heart my darling – always. I will make sure that you stay that way too. It is important that you understand that this is not some sort of selfless act on my part – I am being selfish in that I want you so much, I want you in my life, I want you to hold close to me and I want you to hold me close to you, I want so many things with you – so caring for you and keeping you safe is an easy thing to do for “us”.

I really need time with you – without any oversight or interference – just the two of us to be “us” – it will happen and it will be perfect. You are everything that I need and want – and I love you my beautiful one x.

Good morning beautiful one – another trip for you today – missing you loads as always. Days at work, even if we only see each other briefly now look to be so fantastic compared with the barrenness of time spent apart. But the days are passing and you will be home and I will hold you and tell you “I love you”. Take care today sweetness – I love you x.

Night #7 – slowly passing – always thinking of you, waking and looking for you – sweet dreams beautiful one x.

I know that you have gone for tonight but I will write more anyway.

know that you feel vulnerable at times and I understand why – if I could take that away from you I would – instantly so. I wish I could think of a way to give you more confidence in me.

I too feel vulnerable – I feel very lonely at times. I keep being told by her in effect “give up your own self – fit in and be what I want you to be and life with the children and for us will be ‘perfect'” – and countered against that is an inner part of me that is saying “I don’t want to be squashed any more – let me out”. But so much of the time I just end up feeling as if I am being very selfish. And what consequence will my selfishness have for the children?

And then there is you – I could sit and write all sorts of superlatives about you – about how beautiful you are and how kind you are and so on. Perhaps I should – it would take me a long time to finish. But at the end of the day it all comes down to trust.

I have to trust how I feel about you – the fact that I am drawn to you and driven to do anything and everything for you. Those feelings arise from deep within me and are interwoven with my very existence. So no acknowledgeme nt of those feelings means a denial of my very being.

And separate to that I am asking you to trust me as we start to plan first waking towards the sunshine and then walking side by side together in it for the rest of our lives. After all I am being unfaithful to my wife – why would you trust me going forwards? Why won’t I just be unfaithful to you? And to that all I can say is that “us” was not entered into lightly, it is not a dalliance. I cannot bear to have her touch me – even the lightest touch feels like a betrayal of you. Fidelity in my head is simply an aspect of love – if there is love then fidelity, loyalty etc – they are implicit. I do know how to be faithful and loyal because I am so now, to you – just another aspect of the all-consuming love that I feel for you right now.

The bottom line is that, yes, I am being pulled in many directions which is why my life is complicated. But I cannot be anything to anyone including my children or you, until I am true to myself. I will stand up for me and after that I will show the people in my life who I care about the most what that means.

For you – you are the love of my life – simply everything. Back to simple is best – I love you, I want you. You make my heart soar like I have never ever known – and that makes you unique and very special indeed. So I am not giving you up and there is nothing that anyone could say that would change that. Because my love for you and who I really am inside are one and the same thing and to deny one is to deny the other.

With time your confidence in me will grow I promise but right now – I love you my beautiful one x. Just you, only you, always you. X