Hope you are ok – I am pleased that you have sorted your room without lots of fuss – I know that is what you wanted to do.

I don’t mean to be cryptic – and I certainly don’t want to distance myself from you or your decisions. Sometimes I find the discussions a little difficult. These sorts of decisions are very personal ones between you and someone one else – in exactly the same way as the ones I make are between me and another. I find it hard to know where the boundary lays in the conversation sometime – I don’t want to overstep the line and say something out of turn that might appear rude, indignant, or ill-judged because of a lack of understanding and I certainly don’t want to hurt you in the process. Plus of course try as I might I cannot be entirely neutral in some of the conversations as I have an emotional investment in them already.

It hurts me deeply to hear of you being ignored, to hear of how you are treated re: your telephone, to hear what you say about control over money etc. So notwithstanding all of what I have said above, I find the way in which you are treated really hard to understand or accept. But I suspect that you would say the same to me – and in part we have both been complicit in one way or another with our own current circumstances. I could (perhaps should) have done something more about my sleeping circumstances some time ago – but after a while it is simply easier to acquiesce….

In the same way that you do not want me to leave my new room I do want you to leave yours – but I know that you felt some discomfort in saying that to me. I don’t want you to hide feelings like that from me so please do say – I suspect that I need to do the same to you – to tell you what I feel. But sometimes it is hard – you said you felt horrid, (you weren’t being so), I feel jealousy. And then what I worry about is, can I enter into a helpful and supportive conversation with you if underneath it I am feeling jealous and therefore not impartial – I suspect not….

So it is not that I want to distance myself but rather I want you to make the right decisions for you. And if you do that, then whatever they may be, in turn I have absolute confidence that those will be the right decisions for “us” and for me. But that is not quite the same as you making a decision because you have been unduly influenced (even subliminally) by concern for me, or by some input from me which is not entirely as neutral as it should be.

I have chosen to sleep alone, I have chosen not to be pressurised into having sex – and I am content that this is so. For sleeping alone, in part this is because of you and what you mean to me – the need to keep you safe in my heart and to have regard for your heart too – but this was in the main a decision a long time coming for all sorts of reasons. For the conversation re having sex – again this change should have happened years ago – but this is different in that here your influence is paramount – for me there is you, so there can be no one else. So different thoughts / strategies / analyses for different circumstances – much should have happened before, some driven by “us”. And whilst I have tried to explain much to you about my choices, you have found some of it hard and distressing to hear and yet have not always felt 100% free to disclose that distress until it almost had to become too much for you to bear.

I want to help you – I want to talk – I don’t want to hurt you – I want the decisions to be good ones.

And most of all I want you my beautiful one – I love you x.

Off to do some more work but always thinking of you – I adore you – you are the love of my life and I am so very pleased that you have come back home my beautiful one x

Hello – you sound sad in your texts my beautiful one – I hope that you are ok. I love you very much and I cannot tell you how much I have missed you. You cannot know how much I want to see you today…. x

Hello – just over Portsmouth now – will watch you now onto the ground. I need to know that you are safe.

Watching now – just landed – welcome home my beautiful one x.

I love you x.

Done part of the rounds today – more to do but had to stop to see where you are – just over Devon now. Feeling tearful again and just wanting to be the person travelling with you. If you were mine I promise that I would never ignore you.

I love you my beautiful one – almost home x.

Hello – off to do some work – watching you still, just now not too far from Ireland, but might not see you land. Have a safe trip back home my beautiful one and get some sleep.

You are everything to me and I need you so very much in my life – I love you x.

In my office now watching you – just past the southern tip of Greenland – walking up the stairs just now, thinking that tomorrow you will be here.

I tell you lots that I love you – it must be quite repetitive at times I’m sure. But in me, in my heart, in my soul, is a feeling – a feeling of the most profound and intense emotion for you. It drives me to care for you in every way and to share as much of me as you are willing to receive. Whatever you want of me I will do my best to give to you – always.

I love you beautiful one x.

Hello beautiful one – just over Newfoundland, about to head over the Atlantic – just over halfway here.

I haven’t slept well – just bits and pieces – but actually I feel fine. Constantly drifting back and forth between sleep and being awake and all that I can think of is you. You are the only thing in my head and my heart – consuming every bit of me from my innermost core. Welling up inside is profound and all-consuming love for you – it needs to be expressed – I need to hold you and to tell you face to face that you are everything that I have ever dreamt of.

Shower time then off to work – I will watch you for as long as I can – I love you, safe journey home my beautiful one x.